Sunday, July 1, 2012

It's All Rainbows and Unicorn Farts Up In Here

There’s this terrific quote from the movie Untamed Heart where Marisa Tomei’s (my husband’s movie wife) character says: “He doesn’t make sense, I don’t make sense, together we make sense.”

This is a story about my friends.  And how we remind me of that quote.  Well, sort of.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine tripped over a dog toy on her steps and broke a toe.  It was a pretty big bummer, as breaking a toe always is.  There’s just really nothing good about breaking a toe.  Except for when hilarity ensues...  

A day or two later I sent an email to her a couple other friends:

“Jesus christ it's cold in here today.  (Insert: it’s always super cold in my office, but it was especially cold that day due to clients being in the conference room so we needed to pump the air conditioning so they wouldn’t melt.  Yeah, our h-vac systems aren’t... the best.)  But there was a rainbow outside my window for a little while.  which made me happy for a little while.  Then it went away so I'm crabby again.”

She then replied:
“In other news, my butt still hurts (from falling down the steps yesterday, gutterminds) but my toe is all swelled up like a snausage and is interesting shades of black and purple. Neat!
Yay, rainbows!”

But see, I’m sort of a dumbass.  Especially in the morning.  So...
“By the time I read this I had forgotten about the actual rainbow, so I thought you were referring to your foot.  So it seemed like your opinion about the swelling and bruising changed drastically and very quickly.  Then I was all ‘no that can't be right...  Well, I know she has no problem with gay people.  though I don't know why she'd feel the need to mention it right now.  and in a really weird way...’  Then I mentally smacked myself in the forehead and said to myself ‘dude! the ACTUAL rainbow you just told them about.  Jeeze.’
So - for the record that's about how well my brain works today.  I'm sorry your butt hurts and your toe's all big and colorful (in a not-flamboyant way)”

And thus from that, somehow, “Yay, rainbows!” became both a personal mantra and a mantra for that group of friends.

(Yay, rainbows!  In this case plastic wrapped rainbows.  I thought it was cool)

Several days later:

Me: “I found some lip balm on etsy this morning called Unicorn Farts.  I’ve decided I'm going to get some.  I just can't decide if I'm just going to get just one for me or if I should get a lot and give them to... pretty much everyone I know.  Because it's lip balm scented like Unicorn Farts.  So it's pretty much the greatest thing ever and how can you not share that?  But on the other hand you could also have a signature unicorn fart scented lip balm that everyone else would be jealous of.  And be all like ‘ohhh, I love your lip balm what is it?’  and you'd be all ‘oh it's no big deal, it's just the smell of unicorn farts.  it's kind of my thing.’  and they would all sit in awe of you and ask to borrow your lip balm all the time.  But really that's just the reaction you'd want from the bitches you don't like, right?  With your friends and loved ones you'd want to be all like ‘ladies, ladies, ladies - I bring the glory of Unicorn Fart lip balm.  Bask in its greatness.’  And they would (continue to) love you forever because you're both awesome and thoughtful and the kind of person who shares cool things like Unicorn Fart lip balm.  Furthermore I can't imagine having this and not at least giving some to my nieces.
Long story short:
1) I finished the Bloggess' book yesterday (not sure if you can tell or not)
2) So next time I see you, I'll have at least one book to give you.  And probably lip balm
3) I really, really like typing/saying Unicorn Fart(s)
4) Christ, I really hope you thought that was funny or you guys are actually going to have me committed this time.  fuck.”

To which Broken Toe* replied:
“Unicorn Farts has officially made me register on Etsy. Dammit...I was avoiding it on purpose (BUY ALL THE THINGS!). I can't avoid this..”

And I said:
“Oh dude, you're toast.  Etsy is like crack for people like us.  Really, really good crack.  Take my advice and don't sign up for the daily email.  It will show you really awesome stuff every day.  and you'll want to buy it.  it's like the free sample the dealer gives you only they give it to you every. single. day.  And unless you just delete it without looking at it... there are just so many cool things.  And they send you pictures of such cool things.  and if you click on those pictures they'll just send you to a page that says ‘oh hey you thought that was cool?  Let us show ALL THESE OTHER TOTALLY COOL THINGS LIKE IT THAT YOU'LL COMPULSIVELY FEEL THE NEED TO BUY NOW BECAUSE WE ARE TOTALLY THE BEST CRACK DEALERS IN TOWN.’  That's Etsy in a nutshell.  I am sorry that Unicorn Farts has brought this upon you.  However you must keep in mind that you got Unicorn Farts out of the deal.  So really... fair's fair.  Unicorn Farts.”

The theme of Etsy as crack continued and... digressed for much of the day and eventually another friend, let’s call him... The Bird** in the conversation (who is busier than the rest of us during the day and only occasionally pops in) said:
“Wait, you guys are drug dealers?  I'm not good at the email thread thing. Meh.”

And I casually explained:
“Well... Rainbow Toe is a dealer.  And Etsy is a master dealer.  And depending on how you feel about Unicorn Farts... I'm looking to get into the game and may start distributing to 8-year-olds...  So yes, you are correct, sir.  Magic Hat*** seems pretty in the clear though.  Though he usually has several deals going down with various people on his team.  Something I can only assume will continue once So-And-So joins.  (Damn hippies and their drugs.)”

Uh, so I don't have a picture of unicorns. Or their farts. Oh wait...

Same thing! Yay, rainbows! And Unicorn farts!

So here’s what I mean:

I’m weird.  They’re weird.  Together we’re... REALLY weird.  It’s FANTASTIC.

There are only a handful of people in the world that I can be absolutely, completely and entirely absurd with.  Most of them are either married to me or very closely related to me (i.e. they were involved in my conception or are my older brother.)  It’s totally insane that I met those three people in one of my least favorite places.  But maybe that makes sense too, because I don’t think they like that place much either.  But the shared experience gave us something to talk about, and to joke about.  And that gave us the opportunity to learn that we’re all pretty damn warped, but in a lot of the same ways.  

Yay, rainbows!

Unicorn farts!

*Probably how I’ll refer to her forever now... can’t say for sure though
**Not his real name
***Ha, finally!  Been working on that one for WEEKS!

1 comment:

  1. Is it still going to stay "Broken Toe" when said toe was apparently only sprained (judging by the reduction in swelling and renewed ability to bellydance with all 10 toes intact last week)?

    Never mind...Broken Toe is better than Sprained sounds more badass, if toes can be badass.

    I'm stopping now...

    Yay Rainbows!