Monday, July 2, 2012

Gots Me A Freak Flag - Gonna Fly It

FAIR WARNING:  If you are in any way my parent, parent-in-law... okay so if you're someone who is related to me and more than roughly... let's say 15 years older than me, you should not read further.  Shit's about to get weird.  What's about to go down - you don't want to read, I can all but guarantee it.  Uh, yeah.  Just... just stop.  Go elsewhere.  Read other stuff.  Read a book.  Read Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.  You'll probably like it better than this.  this is going to be inappropriate and unladylike and wrong and bad.  And if you have a high opinion of me in any way this is just going to smash it all to pieces so seriously - I'm not playing with you; turn away.  This is the opposite of the 'send the kiddies out the room, stuff's about to get real' warning.  This is 'adults who know me personally, click a different link my warped is about to show' warning.  Though in fairness you should probably send the kiddies away too.

Okay?  Are we all agreed?  If you're reading this far you've decided that you can deal with the fact that I'm REALLY, REALLY weird and messed up and if you can't deal with that it's your own fault and, dude, I warned you?  So seriously, if you read further and get weirded out please don't mention this to me in person because, I'm not kidding, I will forget how to speak.  Because I am also super socially awkward.  But I'm not kidding.  This is completely whacked out.  If you are one of my parents or one of my parents-in-law or something like that please, please do not read this.  Or if you do please don't talk to me about it.  Ever.  Just look at these pretty cool pictures I took of some glasses a while ago and, by no means, hit the jump.  ever.

See! Cool glasses right?

Pretty, pretty glasses

This is what you should assume this this whole post is about.  Nothing weird happening here at all.

Okay so a few days ago there was a hot pink dildo in the middle of the road next to the stop sign by my house.

And alright.  I go to work at like 7:30 in the morning so as I was driving toward it, sure, my first thought was, "wha... is there a goddamn dildo in my road?"  (Because: 1) my potty mouth is actually a lot worse in my own head and 2) I strongly believe in Occum's Razor - so obviously dildo in the road was the most obvious explanation and, therefore, the first place my head went.  Even at 7:30 in the morning on a Wednesday.)  But as I got a wee bit closer I start thinking to myself, "now be rational.  You're not in St. Paul anymore.  This is the suburbs, man.  It's probably... a giant stick of chalk.  ... Or something.  Yeah... chalk.  That's it.  That... makes sense."

But no.  I roll up on that stop sign.  And indeed.  There was a mother fucking, hot pink dildo laying in the middle of my street on a random Wednesday morning

Seriously... who just throws their dildo in the road?  That's just rude.  And... wasteful.  And confusing.  Plus it's littering.

I mean... I guess it was garbage day.  Still, there are bins and stuff there, neighbors.  I mean, if it was meant for the garbage, that's what those bins are there for - exactly that purpose.  For putting garbage in 'em.  Or dildos you apparently feel like throwing in the street.  That's what we call an either/or situation right there.  You know "we" in the biz.  The biz of finding dildos in the street.  Or the biz of throwing garbage away.  I'm really not sure which.  Maybe both.  That might be another either/or situation actually.  I am actually in both those bizes now - thanks to you - so I can probably tell.  I'm what you'd call an authority.

So look - I really love where I live now but I do feel the need to point out that this never happened to me when I lived IN the city.  I had to move to the suburbs to find sex toys in the street.  I lived in a literal, goddamn slum and I never saw a dildo in the street.  Though I guess that might just be because either 1) no one could afford dildos or 2) no one could afford to throw them out.  ...Yeesh
I feel like it's about an hour after The Stepford Wives or Pleasantville ended and I just stepped into the plots.  The revolutions have happened and now they've just run goddamn wild.  Dildos in the street and God knows what inside peoples' houses.  Mescaline and baby Jesus butt plugs and HST-esque benders, I can only imagine.  It makes my brain hurt.  I see these people walking their dogs for Christ's sake. 

Anyway - as I'm sure you can tell, ruminating on finding a dildo in the road makes me a little... crazy.  But at the time I think I took it pretty well.  I pretty much just assumed that it was simply an omen that it was going to be a weird day.

Little did I know.  Little did I know.

That is to say - that one day didn't get super, overly weird.  For me.  Comparatively.  But, uh, it's like - man, something in my brain just up and snapped.  Like that whole center of my head just went, "okay, well, if no one else is even trying anymore, I'm just going to stop then.  Seriously."  And just... BAM.  Freak flag is OUT, y'all.

Just like... my head don't work right.  And - okay, it never has.  But I've spend most of my life trying to hide that.  Because I was under the impression that heads are supposed to work right.  But seriously, it's all kinds of messed up in there.  And I likes it.  It's weird and warped and strange and fun and silly and wrong and so completely right and ridiculous all at the same time.  And man, it's kind of cool.  You know, to me.  Probably still not to other people.  Certainly not en masse.  But to me.  And I get that probably 28 isn't the super best time to figure that out.  And, certainly, a pink dildo in the middle of the road seems like the absolute worst instigation for an epiphany EVER.  Like I'm seriously going to have to think up a good lie about this.  So I can actually talk about it to anyone at any point in time.  But... my God, it's really nice to think to myself, "Jesus, you're fucked up" and not think that's bad.  I've thought that a quite a few times in the last few days and followed it with "in just the best way."  That's... really weird if you're me.  really weird.  And great.

1 comment:

  1. I'd like to say that you should always fly your freak flag with pride, it's one of the most awesome things about you. You're warped and weird and fantastic, and I am fucking thrilled that your head don't work right. Every weird, warped, strange and silly conversation I've ever had with you is the best part of whatever day it took place in. Keep flying that freak flag, don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not fucking awesome to be around because of it. I am very glad that you're starting to believe what we all believe about you, that it's in the best way. Now we just need that 50 foot statue of your lady parts.