Okay? Are we all agreed? If you're reading this far you've decided that you can deal with the fact that I'm REALLY, REALLY weird and messed up and if you can't deal with that it's your own fault and, dude, I warned you? So seriously, if you read further and get weirded out please don't mention this to me in person because, I'm not kidding, I will forget how to speak. Because I am also super socially awkward. But I'm not kidding. This is completely whacked out. If you are one of my parents or one of my parents-in-law or something like that please, please do not read this. Or if you do please don't talk to me about it. Ever. Just look at these pretty cool pictures I took of some glasses a while ago and, by no means, hit the jump. ever.
See! Cool glasses right?
Pretty, pretty glasses
This is what you should assume this this whole post is about. Nothing weird happening here at all.
Okay so a few days ago there was a hot pink dildo in the middle of the road next to the stop sign by my house.
And alright. I go to work at like 7:30 in the morning so as I was driving toward it, sure, my first thought was, "wha... is there a goddamn dildo in my road?" (Because: 1) my potty mouth is actually a lot worse in my own head and 2) I strongly believe in Occum's Razor - so obviously dildo in the road was the most obvious explanation and, therefore, the first place my head went. Even at 7:30 in the morning on a Wednesday.) But as I got a wee bit closer I start thinking to myself, "now be rational. You're not in St. Paul anymore. This is the suburbs, man. It's probably... a giant stick of chalk. ... Or something. Yeah... chalk. That's it. That... makes sense."
But no. I roll up on that stop sign. And indeed. There was a mother fucking, hot pink dildo laying in the middle of my street on a random Wednesday morning
Seriously... who just throws their dildo in the road? That's just rude. And... wasteful. And confusing. Plus it's littering.
I mean... I guess it was garbage day. Still, there are bins and stuff there, neighbors. I mean, if it was meant for the garbage, that's what those bins are there for - exactly that purpose. For putting garbage in 'em. Or dildos you apparently feel like throwing in the street. That's what we call an either/or situation right there. You know "we" in the biz. The biz of finding dildos in the street. Or the biz of throwing garbage away. I'm really not sure which. Maybe both. That might be another either/or situation actually. I am actually in both those bizes now - thanks to you - so I can probably tell. I'm what you'd call an authority.
So look - I really love where I live now but I do feel the need to point out that this never happened to me when I lived IN the city. I had to move to the suburbs to find sex toys in the street. I lived in a literal, goddamn slum and I never saw a dildo in the street. Though I guess that might just be because either 1) no one could afford dildos or 2) no one could afford to throw them out. ...Yeesh
I feel like it's about an hour after The Stepford Wives or Pleasantville ended and I just stepped into the plots. The revolutions have happened and now they've just run goddamn wild. Dildos in the street and God knows what inside peoples' houses. Mescaline and baby Jesus butt plugs and HST-esque benders, I can only imagine. It makes my brain hurt. I see these people walking their dogs for Christ's sake.
Anyway - as I'm sure you can tell, ruminating on finding a dildo in the road makes me a little... crazy. But at the time I think I took it pretty well. I pretty much just assumed that it was simply an omen that it was going to be a weird day.
Little did I know. Little did I know.
That is to say - that one day didn't get super, overly weird. For me. Comparatively. But, uh, it's like - man, something in my brain just up and snapped. Like that whole center of my head just went, "okay, well, if no one else is even trying anymore, I'm just going to stop then. Seriously." And just... BAM. Freak flag is OUT, y'all.
Just like... my head don't work right. And - okay, it never has. But I've spend most of my life trying to hide that. Because I was under the impression that heads are supposed to work right. But seriously, it's all kinds of messed up in there. And I likes it. It's weird and warped and strange and fun and silly and wrong and so completely right and ridiculous all at the same time. And man, it's kind of cool. You know, to me. Probably still not to other people. Certainly not en masse. But to me. And I get that probably 28 isn't the super best time to figure that out. And, certainly, a pink dildo in the middle of the road seems like the absolute worst instigation for an epiphany EVER. Like I'm seriously going to have to think up a good lie about this. So I can actually talk about it to anyone at any point in time. But... my God, it's really nice to think to myself, "Jesus, you're fucked up" and not think that's bad. I've thought that a quite a few times in the last few days and followed it with "in just the best way." That's... really weird if you're me. really weird. And great.