Okay, so actually I don't yet... but I'm so much closer!
Which doesn't sound like a super long time but in puppy time that's like a year and a half.
I think if I time it right I can just drive down there and steal him. They'll never notice right? HE'S TINY! They'll never miss him.
I'll keep him safe. I'll teach him to sniff. (I'm good at sniffing. I'm not good actually smelling things but I'm an excellent sniffer. I can't stop sniffing. Such is the life of someone who is allergic to... well, life. You get really good at sniffing.) I'll roll around and play with him and pretend to be a puppy. Just so long as I get to snuggle with my puppy afterwards. Puppies like snuggling right? Snuggling and sniffing and rolling around and playing? That's pretty just the jist of being a puppy?
I wonder if I can find him a little puppy fedora?
Ohhh, or a little golden idol chew toy. Maybe there's a set! Like a little grail too. (Someone did send me a link to a very disturbing, knit Hitler plushy the other day. Tremendously unsettling. Let's just say that Hitler is exceptionally untrustworthy even in knit form.) Oh I know, the third one could be a little blimp. That'd be cool. I can teach him the command "No Ticket" and he'll go get his little blimp and bark three times. While he's wearing his little hat. Maybe I can find him a little puppy bomber jacket too. Goddamn, I want this dog so bad.
Dr. Jones! (He got his PhD in being a puppy!)